Shepard on Fire
by sesheta255
Summary: Yet more ME1 random stupidity, with Joker once again conspiring to get Kaidan and Shepard together.  A follow up to The French Lieutenant's Woman r/s.


I'm baaaack. Just when you thought it was safe to look at this site, lol. It's been a while. My muse went awol after writing 2 emo dribbles.

The 'effing pink' and the swing are for Star and Shenzi. Choco hand Kaidan is for Jho. I'm sorry I couldn't work an elcor mariachi band in for you Jho, but I'll see what I can come up with, lmao.

Thanks once again to Star for making sense of my ramblings.

Bioware owns all

* * *

**Shepard on Fire**

Joker grinned as Kaidan scowled at everyone the day after Shepard's 'date' with Lieutenant Girard. Shepard wasn't helping the situation by walking around with a smug grin on her face either. _He's really got it bad. I'm going to have to work my magic again and help him along._ A plan was forming in Joker's mind, and he chose to ignore the fact that none of his other schemes had produced the desired result so far. He knew Kaidan was worried about Liara's apparent interest in Shepard, but Shepard only had eyes for Alenko. Joker thought she'd been pretty obvious about it, but this was Alenko after all. Shepard would probably have to hang naked on a swing from the ceiling for him to get the hint.

Shepard's voice came over the comm. "Joker, get us to Feros and let me know when we're an hour out."

"I know the drill Commander. I'll have Alenko and Vakarian standing by to accompany you planetside when we get there." He chuckled as he prepared the Normandy to leave. This little trip was going to give him plenty of time to perfect his plan, and set it in motion.

* * *

Joker turned as Shepard and Alenko joined him on the bridge as the Normandy lifted off from Feros. "Shepard, a message came through from Captain Anderson. He'll be holding some sort of special dinner tonight and he wants you and Alenko there. We should make it back to the Citadel in time. Oh, and he said dress code was cocktail, and that you both had to dress to impress."

Shepard let out a frustrated sigh. "Why the hell didn't he tell me this himself? I really hate these damn parties where I get wheeled out like a prize exhibit in a zoo, with everyone wanting to touch _**the **_Commander Shepard."

"Well he called while you were planetside. I guess I could have interrupted you, if you hadn't been so busy playing the hero and saving the colony on Feros." Joker said sarcastically. "And I sure as hell wasn't going to interrupt that embracing eternity stuff you did with Liara, not if her reaction was anything to go by." He threw a sidelong glance at Kaidan and sniggered. "Two asari's in one day Shepard, you must be worn out. But I am impressed, must be that N7 training. Alenko, you'd better start working out, and taking your vitamins."

The fact that Shepard didn't bite puzzled him, but her sudden exclamation made it clear that her mind was on another problem.

"Shit! Black armour is cocktail-ish isn't it?" She looked hopefully at the two blank faces regarding her. "Look who I'm asking. Joker, you'd better ask everyone on the crew if they have a suitable dress that I can borrow. I sure as hell don't own one."

"Don't you mean just the _female_ members of the crew, Shepard?"

"No, **everyone." **She shook her head. "I don't want to limit my options, and with this crew you never know."

The look Kaidan was giving him made Joker realise he had suspicions about the authenticity of the invitation. But he was pretty sure that even Kaidan wouldn't believe that Joker would risk being found out by Anderson.

"So why am I being included?" Kaidan asked, regarding Joker with narrowed eyes.

"How the hell should I know? I'm just the messenger. Maybe he thinks of you as the son he never had, or just maybe it has something to do with the fact that Shepard doesn't leave the ship without you." The look Shepard was giving him made him roll his eyes. "Wouldn't want to split up such a good team after all."

"I'm not sure a biotic ass kicking display will go over well at a cocktail party, but you never know." Shepard turned to leave. "If I'm going to be trying on other peoples dresses I'd better have a shower. Surely someone on this ship will have something suitable won't they?" She rolled her eyes. "Again, look who I'm asking."

Joker chuckled as she left. "Well at least it won't be dull. With Shepard, you just never know what will happen_."_

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of because it will be up to me to keep her out of trouble." Kaidan said with a sigh, as he too turned to leave.

"Look on the bright side Kaidan. At least you'll get to see Shepard in a dress." Joker called after him.

* * *

It didn't take long for the dress offers to start, although the first three dresses shown to her were pink, which was definitely not her favourite colour. "I swear, I'll go naked rather than have to wear a fucking pink dress," she muttered to herself as another knock sounded at the door. "If it's pink, go away!" _I should have told Joker to add, 'no pink' to my request for dresses._

A few hours later Shepard surveyed her choices with a grim look on her face. She picked up a green dress that was way too tight. "If I wear that, my boobs will be up around my ears. I'm sure the brass would frown on my choice of earrings." She sighed. _Looks like it has to be the little black dress, with 'little' being the operative word. _"I expose less skin in a bathing costume."

* * *

Kaidan sat waiting at the restaurant for someone to show up. Joker had told him to ask for the private dining room booked in Anderson's name. He couldn't help feeling suspicious as he looked around the restaurant. With its low lighting, and the romantic music playing unobtrusively in the background, it seemed more suited to intimate dinners for two rather than a cocktail party. Then a voice caught his attention. It sounded like Shepard but as he turned to double check he realised that it sure didn't look like her.

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked incredulously. He almost didn't recognize her.

"Yes it's me in girly mode, Kaidan." She flicked at what there was of the dress, "Or hooker mode. I haven't decided."

"Was that the best dress you could find? There's more you than material showing." In fact there were very few places he could touch her without touching bare skin. _If I have to dance with her tonight, I'm going to be in trouble._

Shepard grinned. "Thank you. You look nice too."

"Wait, I didn't mean…..oh hell." He gave up. It was probably better to just shut up than to be constantly putting his foot in his mouth around her.

"It's alright Kaidan. I pretty much had the same reaction when I looked in the mirror." She was enjoying his discomfort. "So, I'm guessing that there is no cocktail party, and that Joker got me in this get-up under false pretences. Damn it. I even wore makeup," she said as she took in their surroundings.

"It looks like it. I _**am**_ going to kill him this time. With fire if necessary." Kaidan said vehemently.

"I could pull rank, or we can argue over who gets to kill Joker later. Maybe it can be a joint effort. You lift him and I'll warp his ass. At least it will match his mind then." She paused to consider their options. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving and seeing as this dinner is all paid for courtesy of Joker, I say we go ahead and eat."

He hesitated slightly before answering. "Sure, why not?" Although, we're only giving Joker more time to go into hiding. And more ammunition"

"Yeah, but we can both outrun him, even with a head start." She laughed then looked at him seriously. "Why the hesitation, Kaidan? Don't you want to be seen with me in this get-up?"

"Well there are rules about fraternization, and if any of the brass see us…." He trailed off lamely.

"Relax. No one can see us in this lighting, and we're only having dinner after all."

Kaidan nodded and called the waiter over to show them to their table. He wasn't so sure about no-one being able to see them given the looks following Shepard's every step. He was starting to feel glad that they had a private room.

Having already being attacked once on the Citadel by Saren's men outside of Chora's Den, Shepard chose to sit with her back to the wall, leaving Kaidan in the vulnerable position of having his back exposed.

"Thanks, Shepard. I guess it doesn't matter if I get shot in the back."

"Hey, you're a tough marine, you can take it. Besides you already survived getting shot in the ass." She grinned at him.

"You're the N7, not me. I'm just a plain old, garden variety marine," he stated.

"There's nothing plain or old about you Kaidan. And I think I'd remember it if something like you grew in my garden." Shepard muttered, blushing as she realised the unintentional double meaning of her words.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I guess we should probably order."

Kaidan started to relax as the meal progressed, although he was having a hard time keeping his eyes on Shepard's face with the way she was dressed. But he had to admit that as much as he wanted to kill Joker, he was enjoying the chance to spend some time with her without having to worry about being overheard or spied on.

The waiter had just left after bringing a variety of chocolatey desserts to their table when Shepard stilled and became alert. Kaidan instantly looked around, turning back to see Shepard with a pistol in her hand.

He stood up just as she fired at a shadow behind the curtains, swearing as her shot only just missed a rather important part of his anatomy. _"For God's sake, Shepard."_ He lunged across the table at her, intent on grabbing the pistol and not caring about the gooey desserts. Her chair toppled backwards and he came to a stop lying on top of her.

Kaidan took the pistol as he rolled off her and got to his feet, glad in some ways that he hadn't seen where the hell she'd pulled it from in the outfit she was wearing, and muttering about almost being made a "damn eunuch" as he held out a hand to pull her to her feet.

He blushed as he looked at her. The dress had twisted around in the fall and one rosy pink nipple was now on display for him. "Shepard, you might want to fix your dress," he managed in a strangled voice, unable to turn away from her. She might hate pink, but it was fast becoming _his_ favourite colour. He hadn't noticed that his right hand was covered in dripping chocolate until he raised it to wipe his face.

Shepard looked back at him as she readjusted her dress, a speculative gleam in her eye as she licked her lips. She shook her head slightly and sighed as she dropped her gaze to survey the mess surrounding them.

The look on her face made him blush even more deeply than he had before and he would have given anything to know exactly what she was thinking. Caught up in the moment, neither of them noticed that the lit candle had rolled towards the curtains.

She opened her mouth to speak, but the curtains bursting into flame quickly smothered all possibility of conversation. It was definitely not flame retardant material as the fire quickly spread and alarms started blaring.

* * *

"What the hell happened to you Alenko?" Joker shrieked as Kaidan stepped into the light on the bridge. He was covered in food and his face was white, except for the dark smudges of chocolate and soot that made him look like he'd taken part in something kinky that Joker had seen once on the extranet. He also smelled of smoke.

"You and your stupid schemes happened to me. Did you think we wouldn't suspect anything when Anderson and his supposed 'other guests' failed to turn up?" Kaidan couldn't help raising his voice. "Shepard damn near killed me, then just to top things off we nearly burnt the restaurant down. Thanks very much Joker. If you ever involve me in one of your schemes again I will personally shove you out the airlock, and I won't give a damn whether they court-martial me or not."

Joker laughed. "I knew you two would be hot together, but it looks like you were _smoking_. You could even say that Shepard was on fire." He paused before asking, "What do you mean Shepard nearly killed you?"

"Something startled her and before I knew it she had a pistol in her hand and had fired a shot. Which only just missed me."

"Hey, I saw the get-up she was wearing. Where the hell did she hide a pistol?"

"I have no idea, and I don't think I even want to know." Kaidan shuddered at the memory of almost becoming a eunuch.

"So where's Shepard now?" Joker craned his neck to look behind Kaidan for her.

"She stayed behind to try and placate the restaurant owner and smooth things over with the press. She suggested that I leave so that they didn't see us together and have us married off in the next edition of the news."

"You can't fool me, Kaidan. You'd love to be married off to Shepard." He paused, as Kaidan's words filtered through his mind. "Wait, did you say you left Shepard to placate and smooth things over? _Our Shepard?_ Are you _insane? _I mean, I know she can be semi diplomatic if she has to be, but if Al Jilani shows up and starts harassing her again I'm not sure what she'll do."

"Shit! I didn't even think of that. Damn it. Are Chakwas or Pressly here? Maybe one of them can go and check on Shepard, and keep her out of trouble. Or better yet, get in contact with Anderson and tell him we may have a situation." He turned to leave. "I'm going to get cleaned up, then I'll head back there myself if she hasn't returned by the time I'm done."

* * *

Kaidan returned to the bridge just in time to see a shoe fly through the air and hit Joker in the head.

"That's for making me wear these torture devices, Joker," Shepard said as she limped onto the bridge, swearing.

"Ouch." Joker rubbed his head as he looked at the state she was in. "Pressly's going to be upset that you ruined his dress."

"That's funny; he told me it was yours," she threw back at him.

"Ah, Shepard, I appreciate the peep show but you may want to get changed before your wardrobe malfunction becomes a full on flash. Not that I would mind, and I'm pretty sure Alenko wouldn't. It's certainly one way of keeping up morale." Joker said, nodding towards the tear in her dress that her breasts were threatening to fall out of. "But I guess on the bright side, it would have given the press something to talk about, besides the fact that you burnt down a restaurant."

"I'd be trying to be as unobtrusive as possible if I were you Joker. I am **not** in a good mood," Shepard said warningly as she turned and left the bridge, muttering as she marched to her cabin.

* * *

The next morning Shepard sat in a coffee shop on the Citadel sipping hot chocolate after being summoned to see Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina. _No doubt they've heard about last night. I better get my answers ready._ She was only half taking notice of the news service until she heard her name mentioned and looked up in time to see Al Jilani's smug expression on the screen.

"_Coming up, Commander Shepard bares all in a hot new interview...pictures at 1200 hours on Westerlund News"_

"Son of a bitch." Shepard hit the comlink. "Joker you had better start running. NOW," she bellowed in a voice that had everyone around her diving for cover. Her mind immediately went through all the most painful ways she could think of to kill Joker as she stood and prepared to square off against Udina.


End file.
